Absolute Random Nonsense

One day in the 7th grade in class as our teacher didn’t show up we were left with a free period. Tavassoli who was in charge during such times urged us to work on the assignment we would have had. I zipped through it and then hoping to get out of class and asked him, “What do we do if we are done with our class assignment?” “Just study until the bell rings,” he responded. Of course I had no such intentions. With us being in the midst of Tehran’s provisional soccer season, I ripped out a page from my notebook and began drawing a bunch of blue clad players sitting on the ground nodding their heads. At a podium I drew my best impression of Naser Hejazi, the Esteghlal goalkeeper. Using speech bubbles I had him saying “Getting our asses kicked on the field is not right (sahih nist)!” The nodding teammates all responded, “It’s absolutely right (sahih ast).” I was quite pleased with my play on words and after showing my drawing to a neutral party, Bijan (who supported Homa), I...

Whatever happened to Bob Maloogaloogaloogaloogalooga? Does anyone know?   

About 5 out of 7 people will guess the name of this person wrong.  

 Originals.  

I'm considering getting a hair transplant on my knees.   

Do you think we will ever advance to a point where human waste will be used as car fuel and instead of gas stations, long lines will form in front of the houses of people with diarrhea?   

The following Iranians have played in MLS: Arash Noamouz   Khodad Azizi   Mohammad Khakpour   Omid Namazi   Alecko Eskandarian   Chris Brown Steven Beitashour   

Dr. Azadeh Khatibi is suing multiple members of the Medical Board of California to halt regulation that requires continuing medical education courses in the state to include discussion of implicit bias, according to court documents. Khatibi said in an Instagram post that other physicians told her “they’re afraid to speak,” and the situation is ‘bizarre’ and ‘dangerous.'”  

Today I wanted to have some chocolate but at the same time I also wanted some peanut butter and I didn't know what to do. Please offer some solutions.

During lunch recess, with soccer played in a more organized fashion, Bijan and I took to commentating the games. We used many of the names we had assigned to students the previous year. There were some new ones as well. We upgraded our previous year’s window sill seat to a more prestigious looking location. Behind one of the goals was a two-story building previously used for English classes. The ten or twelve steps on the side brought you up to goal/crossbar height and then before the entrance to the building was a terrace filled with old chairs and desks. On this terrace and almost directly above the goal were two columns with enough space in between them to fit two chairs. We would normally rush back from lunch to make sure we would get our seats. We had become such regulars there that often times other students would intentionally sit close enough to us to overhear our commentating. While at first some of the made up names would sound foreign to them but before long e...

While we certainly played a lot of soccer, we also watched just as much if not more. We had discovered that a ledge ran across the length of the wall bordering one side of the soccer field. This ledge was positioned right below the row of windows and thus if we sat on the window sill we could comfortably place our feet on the ledge. Often times when other grades were playing, we would sit there and watch while either commentating on their game or discussing soccer in general. Normally it would be Bijan and I commentating and we would use nicknames we had made up for everyone to the amusement of all others sitting with us. Our usual spot would be the first window closest to the main office. One day as we sat there watching soccer, we spotted Homayoonmehr a few windows down and motioned to him to come and join us. Homayoonmehr acknowledged us, slipped inside the building and popped out at our window and sat down with us. “Why did you go back inside?” I asked him. “You cou...

Some time ago as I sat in a doctor's office the TV was showing Rachel Ray's show. She had a female guest on the show and together they showed how to make pizza dough from scratch and ultimately a pizza. At the end of the program I felt a strong urge to punch both her and her guest and throw them both off of a balcony.   

Did anyone ever receive a Hess Truck for Christmas? I keep seeing commercials (every year) for it on TV and I think to myself what kind of a weirdo kid would want a gas station truck for Christmas?   

In the mid 80s I remember a black and white movie shown in Iran when in one scene a soccer game ends and as the players are celebrating they are all shot and killed. The movie seems to be the somewhat true story that I think was Tretiy taym (Third Time) which was set during World War II and consisted of a match between German and Soviet players under heavy German control. In the movie after winning the match the Soviet players were all killed although in reality only 4 of them seemed to have been killed and even those weren't on the field and right after the match.  

Back in the 80s my friend came over to swim in our pool. He had brought a towel/robe and declared that his mom had said it's absolutely ok to go in the water while wearing it. He then promptly dove in the pool with it on. After swimming a bit he then asked me for a towel. While I doubt his mom had mentioned anything about swimming with a towel on I yet questioned why he thought it was a good idea to want to try it.

Artin Rastegarnia was on Judge Judy.   

What are we training to become? The champions of masturbation? - Roberto Rivelino, referring to Brazil's rule of abstinence during the 1978 World Cup.

I once defeated someone in an argument by pointing out their hexagonal logic.

Arezoo Rezvani was on NPR.   

Straight from the horse's mouth (meaning Boy George) I heard that the Culture Club's song "It's a miracle" was initially called "It's America."

An Iranian played Tinkerbell in the Peter Pan remake "Peter Pan & Wendy."   

There are certain rulers that we have had that to outsiders might have seemed to be cruel but I thought were very good for Iran. Agha Mohammad Khan and Reza Shah are examples of this. I've now also added Nader Shah to my list.

Arian Mowlavi was on Inside Edition.   

I went to the store and saw a long cat. I remarked how adorable it was.